


Bacon, egg, and cheese

by adrenalin211



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-15
Updated: 2012-01-15
Packaged: 2017-10-29 14:50:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/321037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adrenalin211/pseuds/adrenalin211
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In record keeping, it's very important to be precise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bacon, egg, and cheese

**Author's Note:**

> This is a tiny ficlet for marinw in response to her prompt for Dec. 10th "Ron and Leslie, friendship". I wrote this in the style of a screenplay (not proper formatting, I know, but I did my best?) so you'll have to put your imaginations to good use and just... picture the characters saying this stuff? The prompt post for Christmas fic is [here!](http://adrenalin211.livejournal.com/7314.html#cutid1) For the record, I don't really know how to DO comedy, so I tried to think more in terms of character? Anyway, M, I hope you like it.

**PARKS & REC. DEPT. OFFICE- MORNING**

 **RON (to camera, irritated):** The town of Pawnee has _mandated_ me to update my physical health report for insurance purposes.

Fortunately, I don’t believe in doctors. **(Pause)** Or in insurance. _Unfortunately_ , Leslie set up an appointment for me and told me about it when it was too late to cancel without getting charged. Then, my car broke down and I had to call her for a ride. She overheard _everything_ my doctor said.

 **(Matter of factly)**

 ****He told me I have high cholesterol. He also told me I should keep a food journal and record _everything_ that goes into my body for the next week. Do I intend to take this suggestion to heart?

No.

Does Leslie?

You bet your hairy white ass.

+++++++++++++++++++

 **LESLIE'S OFFICE -- LATER THAT MORNING**

 **LESLIE (to camera, smiling):** This is a really great wake-up call for Ron. I’ve been saying for a long time that he has to cut back on… well. Everything. He’s been a reluctant record keeper, but I’ve kept tabs on his food intake by following him around all morning. I also sent Andy to Whole Foods to buy some yogurt, granola, and heart-healthy snacks!

Ron’s off to… not as good a start as I’d hoped, but it’s important to remember that we’re just starting out! In the meantime, I’ve been doing his record-keeping. Food intake, alcohol intake. All the basics.

 **(Reading from the journal she’s kept)  
**  
9:15: Bagel, egg, and cheese sandwich from Dunkin’ Donuts.

10:12: Four slices of cold bacon (from the refrigerator he keeps in his office, hidden behind his file cabinet that he thinks no one knows about.)

10: 33: A mini Snickers candy bar (from the Halloween stash of candy in his bottom right drawer)

11:11: Five sips of coffee.

12:24: Bacon cheeseburger with pickles, 20 oz coca-cola soft drink, crinkle-cut fries, and ¾ of a cup of egg salad with Hellman’s mayonnaise.

 **(looking up from her journal)  
**  
In record keeping, it’s important to be very precise. Specificity, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, is at the epicenter of every great political candidate.

 **(Long pause, smiling, shaking her head after a minute.)  
**  
Eleanor didn’t really say that. I just made that up right now. **(Pause)** I should write that down!

But! As you can see, we’ve pinpointed the problem with Ron’s food intake. Now, when Ron is ready and willing, we will work on a solution! I keep telling myself to be more patient with him. Ron trying to give up fatty foods is like me trying to... not eat a waffle sitting right in front of me! ****

**(Pauses, looking very sad, glancing back to the camera, very serious)** I can help get him through this terribly trying time.

+++++++++++++++++++

 **LESLIE:** Andy, what is this?

 **ANDY (confused, showing Leslie the items he bought):** You said whole foods! Well I’ve got _lots_ of the _best_ whole foods. Mmmmm. Whole milk. (Delicious!) Whole fat frozen yogurt. (Never tried it, but I’m sure it’s high quality.) Whole fat ground beef. (Juicy and mouth watering.) AND, I thought we could make some lasagna with this whole ricotta, whole mozzarella, _whole_ tomatoes in sauce, and these _whole_ wheat and _enriched_ lasagna noodles.

 **RON (walking into the outer office, patting Andy on the back, picking up the grocery bag):** That’s my man.

 **ANDY (smiling, delighted by himself):** If you need anything else…

 **RON:** I don’t often say ‘thank you’, Andy. But ... _thank you._

 ** **(Ron exits with the groceries)  
**  
 **ANDY (to Leslie):** I did such a good job! ******

**OUTSIDE OF RON SWANSON’S HOUSE – NIGHT**

 **LESLIE (persistently banging on door and ringing doorbell):** RON! Let me in, Ron. I’m not leaving until you let me in this door. RON! Ron. Ron. Ron. Ron. Ron.

 **RON (stepping out of the door, pulling off a pair of headphones, then earplugs beneath them):** Leslie. What are you doing?

 **LESLIE:** I’m fighting for a cause! And I’m not leaving until you tell me what you’ve eaten! Or until you agree to record the journal yourself.

 **  
**(Ron grabs the journal from her, slamming the door behind him.)**   
**

**LESLIE (turning around to look at the camera, crossing her fingers in the air):** I have a good feeling about this.

 **PARKS & REC. DEPT. OFFICE- THE NEXT MORNING  
**  
 **TOM:** Uh oh! It’s T. Havazizzle in the house. With donuts for everyone. **(He sits on the desk, opens the box up to Donna)** Check it out, they have “Entertainment 7wenty” engraved in the icing. **(To camera):** I pre-ordered them for the whole staff on this would-be three month anniversary of my former multi-media conglomerate corporation. In Tommy H language, that’s ninety dayz with a z. In boring fiscal language they call it a quarter, but with me **(points to himself)** putting the pal back in municipal, we threw all that boring jargon into the trash of the past.

 **RON (walking out of his office, catching Leslie’s eye, announcing loudly):** NO, Tom. I’ll be passing on the donuts today. **(Even louder)** I’m on a strict diet. **(He walks back into his office and shuts the door behind him.)**

 **(Leslie grins)**

 **TOM (to Donna):** What do you want, boo? ****

 **DONNA (to Tom):** You _know_ I’ll have chocolate drizzle on chocolate with the rainbow colored sprinkles. Mmmmm mmmm.  
 **  
JERRY:** I’ll take the same!  
 **  
Tom:** They’re all gone, Jerry!  
 **  
JERRY:** No they aren’t. I see--  
 **  
TOM:** That’s not for you!  
 ****

 **RON’S OFFICE – MID MORNING**

 **RON (Eating a donut secretively, signaling to April, through the windows of his closed door, to cover for him. She gives a thumbs-up. He looks to the camera and speaks):** So I may have told a little white lie and arranged for Tom to slip me a donut, but it made Leslie smile. Look at her! **(Camera cuts to Leslie grinning and humming as she organizes a file cabinet.)** An added bonus? It will make her stop with that journal nonsense. Peace and sanity will be restored.


End file.
